Has He Comes Next by Ian Kerner, PhD been sitting on your reading list? Pick up the key ideas in the book with this quick summary.
In this sequel to the widely popular and indispensable book, She Comes First, we now turn our attention to the males’ sexual appetite and how to satisfy it in the best way. Dr. Ian Kerner details precise methods where you can undo the bad habits of self-gratification that many men have, and how to give them a mind-blowing experience.
No one wants to have “bad” sex, but numerous men have likely never felt how great sex can be once they relinquish control, take their focus off their member and relax. Dive in and find out how you can reignite passionate sparks with your partner, as well as feel a deeper connection between you both and get the most out of your sex life.
In this summary of He Comes Next by Ian Kerner, PhD, you’ll find out:
- why Viagra is actually more of a crutch than an aid;
- how to take advantage of hormones such as dopamine, norepinephrine and vasopressin; and
- how to give your man a full-body, all-encompassing orgasm.
Why The Pelvic Area Is Highly Guarded
Keeping the family jewels adequately protected is an instinctual matter for every guy. If a man wakes up during the night and needs to cross a dark room filled with potential physical obstacles, he’ll instinctively guard his junk against any painful collisions.
He’ll do it even if he’s half-asleep because self-protection, as well as sexual arousal, is about physiology and instinctive reflexes.
In contrast to a female, a male’s genitals protrude outward, and the glans, or head of the penis, is the most physically sensitive portion of his body. If he’s uncircumcised, the glans is protected by the foreskin, a piece of tissue that retracts to expose the head when he’s aroused.
Another very sensitive part of his body is the testicles, and they too will undergo an automatic, physiological reaction during sexual arousal, scrunching up closer to the body.
When it comes to the penis though, we have to also pay attention to all of the ways that a man can protect himself psychologically too.
The shaft of the penis gets a lot of attention because it is what fills up with blood to become erect during arousal. For men, exactly how big and hard the penis gets is the subject of significant psychological pressure, even though almost all women agree that men fixate and place too much emphasis on size.
If you ever find yourself with a man who gets overly concerned about his penis not being big or hard enough, be sure to use that as an opportunity to establish a channel of trust about each others’ sexual anxieties and desires. For example, you could make it clear to him that his penis isn't even necessary for you to have an orgasm, so he should worry less about size and hardness and more about your clitoris or other desires.
Moving further down to the other parts stored below a man’s belt, we reach the perineum and then the anus. Given their location, both are naturally and biologically protected well. But due to taboos surrounding the subject of the ass and its various functions, the area can get guarded like Fort Knox – though it’s full of sensitive and pleasurable nerve endings. Just two inches inside of the male anus is their G-spot, capable of providing tremendous sexual gratification when stimulated.
How Being Penis-Centric Creates Sexual Difficulties and Anxieties
It's not just the many nerve-endings located in the pelvic area that can cause men to be protective of what's going on below their waist. His sexual response, or arousal, can also be a stress-inducing subject. Some men carry anxieties that can be traced back to their teenage years when embarrassing erections could befall them at the most unwanted of times.
Unfortunately, those male anxieties and struggles with sex are perpetuated by intercourse-discourse; the misguided concept that sex is only about the penis and penetration.
Where do we see this notion of sex manifested most plainly? Porn!
The issue with porn can be that it supports poor masturbation habits. Rather than concentrating on the build-up of fantasy and desire, many men use easily accessible porn clips to cut straight to the chase when self-pleasuring. This way, they essentially hard-wire themselves for rapid ejaculation and set themselves up for future sexual failures.
Another obstacle to better sex is Viagra, the erectile dysfunction drug that’s produced unrealistic expectations of sexual performance in the minds of countless men.
Viagra is the most popular drug in a line of pharmaceuticals that have taken advantage of male anxieties about ideal firmness and duration of erections. Accordingly, in an ironic twist, the booming market for those types of medications has only increased anxieties that lead to erectile dysfunction in the first place.
All of this is good for big pharma and bad for sex. Penises, like many things, don’t respond well to pressure.
It’s far more helpful to have a holistic and thoughtful approach to sex that takes into account psychological factors and also the relationship overall.
As we’ll discuss in the next book summary, the current stage of a relationship can affect sex.
Desire Is The Key
In general, all relationships progress through three stages: lust, romantic love, and attachment.
The first two stages are fueled by key biochemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine, natural body hormones that significantly contribute to arousal. The third stage of attachment is also fueled by biochemicals, but these ones help to elevate feelings of comfort between a couple.
While this is quite natural and commonplace, sex during the attachment phase can cause problems by seemingly very routine in comparison to the passion of the first two stages. It raises the question: how do we avoid the fate of other couples who enter the third stage only to break up, cheat or complain about boring sex lives?
The answer is rather straightforward: keep desire alive. More than anything else, it is the aspect of desire that keeps sex satisfying and fulfilling.
The author conducted a survey where most men said the best sex they’d ever had was with their current long-term partner. However, it usually had occurred at the very beginning of the relationship, and their reasons weren’t because of fancy positions or anything like that. It was about the desire they felt for their partner at that point – that is what made the sex, as the men often phrased it, so “hot and wild.”
How does one restore desire? Well, by avoiding predictability.
The men who spoke about “hot and wild” sex often accompanied the term with terms such as “spontaneous,” “new,” “exciting,” “uncontrollable” and even “dangerous.”
These descriptions align with research that Helen Fisher has conducted. In her book, Why We Love, the biological anthropologist explains how our brain generates more dopamine – basically a natural amphetamine – during the period of infatuation. This type of research suggests that sexual boredom is often one of the first two reasons why a couple’s sex life starts to go bad.
To combat that boredom, try to incorporate elements of novelty, surprise, and mystery to reignite the early feelings of desire you both had. For specific tips, let’s look at the next book summary.
Increasing Sexual Pleasure With Fantasy
Everyone has sexual fantasies occasionally, right? Nevertheless, according to various studies and the author’s clinical experience, many people are ashamed of their sexual fantasies and tend to repress them as a result.
It’s unfortunate because there are also studies that reveal how beneficial a healthy sexual imagination can be.
It’s perfectly normal to fantasize during sex, even if your erotic scenario doesn’t happen to involve the person you’re with at the time. An active and exciting fantasy world is something that partners can easily utilize to spice up a sex life that may have become stale or routine. You can look at imagination as an ever-ready solution to sparking desire and arousal.
That’s only one reason that partners should encourage a healthy sexual fantasy world. Another is that neuroscience has proved that the process of fantasizing, which is similar to how we dream, can stimulate our brains in a way that relaxes the body. In other words, by indulging in fantasy, we can calm anxieties and promote deep relaxation, all of which can lead to better sex.
One of the best techniques to include fantasy into your sex life is to make it part of the foreplay that happens before clothes come off – or even before you get to the bedroom.
Your sex life is bound to improve once you stop limiting foreplay to merely being an act of physical stimulation before intercourse commences. That insufficient description only serves to perpetuate the faulty idea that intercourse must be the ultimate goal, which is a predictable and unimaginative approach to sex.
Starting today, you can expand your concept of foreplay to include the exploration of fantasies to spark desire. Then, you can progressively take it to the next level, heightening the excitement and anticipation even more by acting out or spurring each other’s fantasies.
Exhibitionism can also play a role in these fantasies, like getting frisky in the backseat of a taxi or performing a short striptease in a department-store dressing room.
What Great Sex Requires
When the author counsels men who complain about feeling sexually bored, they often say their relationship is missing an emotional connection.
If this sounds familiar, don’t give up hope just yet. By committing yourself to bring intimacy back into your daily lives, it’s feasible to restore the emotional connection in your relationship.
You can begin by making sure you really hug and embrace each other at least three times a day. Make it a daily ritual to hug in the mornings before work, when you’re both get home after work and before going to sleep. These shouldn’t be quick, polite hugs either. You should embrace until you feel that warm sensation that comes with building an emotional connection.
Another suggestion for restoring a broken connection is maintaining eye contact during sex.
There’s a reason why the missionary position has continued to be popular: it’s because partners can easily sustain eye contact and be emotionally connected.
Aside from the emotional connection, another key to having great sex is to slow down the man’s arousal.
It’s common for men to be wired to achieve a fast, easy orgasm. The more you can slow the arousal process, the better the experience can be.
You can accomplish this through touching, teasing and building up excitement without resorting to genital stimulation. Shoulder, back and foot massages, kissing the neck and nipples, as well as sucking on fingers or toes, are all methods of making a man feel amazing for relaxation and arousal.
Remember, relaxation is crucial to arousal, so it’s essential to explore various ways to calm him down and not simply just turn him on.
When stressed or anxious, the body goes into a flight-or-fight response mode that sends blood into the limbs, away from the genitals and removes any chance of an erection. But relaxation has the opposite effect on the body. Any massage therapist with experience will have an anecdote about a male client who’s gotten a spontaneous erection from being so utterly relaxed.
How To Obtain Amazing Orgasms
Women aren’t the only ones who encounter varying levels of orgasm. Men can also reach what’s called a “local” orgasm, focused solely on the penis, or a “global” orgasm, which supplements a full-bodied response.
In other words, a man can just come, or he can come really intensely. But for that to occur you have to move away from only stimulating the penis and adopt a more holistic, or global, approach to sex.
With this all in mind, here are some pointers for thinking and acting more all-encompassing.
Firstly, get him fully naked; this not only exposes him to more physical sensations, but he’ll also be more psychologically vulnerable and therefore open to receiving added pleasure.
The next tip is to tie him up; when bound, a man can enjoy the increased pleasure that accompanies releasing control and remaining passive while his partner takes charge. In this scenario, his entire body becomes a playground of sorts, open to exploration.
The third suggestion is blindfolding. This can be a great help in enabling a man to grow more attuned to feeling in a global sense rather than just locally. It also adds the sensation of anticipation and surprise to the proceedings.
The final piece of advice is to use a full-body massage. It will encourage the release of vasopressin, the “monogamy hormone,” which contributes to feelings of security, comfort, and calmness, as well as the sought-after emotional connection.
While working toward direct genital stimulation, keep those extensive feelings going by moving slowly in a teasing manner. You can do that by using your hands, mouth or vulva, though the best results for a female partner will likely be a combination of all three body parts. But remember to keep the pace slow and the strokes gentle, exploratory and non-rhythmic.
A good way to accomplish a global sensation is by stimulating the upper and lower body simultaneously. That will get a wide variety of nerve endings working and produce double the amount of erotic anticipation, especially when the penis is ultimately brought into action.
In the next book summary, we’ll go into further detail about hands-on techniques.
Mind-Blowing Sex Starts With...
It’s logical to believe that a man will know how to pleasure himself, right? But you may be wondering, what happens during male masturbation?
The first stage of the process is called filling, which gets the blood flowing with non-rhythmic stimulation. It’s followed by rhythmic stroking, which increases in speed and intensity until the plateau phase is entered. This is followed by the stage referred to as ejaculatory inevitability, which is essentially the point of no return.
When orgasmic contractions start, and semen is discharged, he would likely have a tight grip to make the sensation more powerful and complete the ejaculation. However, as his partner, your purpose should be to help him reach all of those stages and more. However, for this to happen you must be attuned to his feelings and know the exact moment to apply the right kind of stimulation. You have to know when to please, squeeze and be at ease.
During the first stage, while the penis is becoming erect, concentrate on lightly touching his entire genital area. You can work your way up to implementing more pressure with your fingertips as you take the shaft and squeeze it from various positions. While doing this, be sure to pay attention to the most sensitive part of his penis, the frenulum, which is located on underside area of the shaft, just below the glans.
Another great idea is using the mouth unpredictably and avoiding any actual sucking. You’ll get good results by combining this technique with an occasional long lick up the shaft like it were an ice cream cone, as well as gentle teeth use.
Pleasure and sexual anticipation can further be improved for both partners by using his penis to stimulate and rub the clitoris.
After each of these pleasing methods, remember to give a squeeze of his glans. It will push the blood down from the sensitive tip of the penis, decreasing the likelihood of prematurely reaching that stage of ejaculation.
If he does get too excited, follow up the squeeze with an at ease. Like it sounds, it requires taking a break from genital stimulation and moving to another area of his body for kissing and caressing.
The Importance of The Plateau Phase
The secret to giving a man a mind-blowing orgasm is building and expanding sexual tension through his whole body. That involves keeping him in the plateau phase, where his mind and body are on the edge of complete surrender, for as long as possible.
To produce that tension, use your hands to increase the speed of rhythmic stroking while decreasing periods of non-rhythmic stimulation. This is best accomplished with a simple “grasp and clasp” technique, alternating between long, firm strokes and short ones focused on the frenulum.
To take it up to another level, use your mouth to make a seal over the glans while still sustaining a firm grip on the shaft. At this point, you can bob your head, lick the frenulum, and take in as much of the penis as you’re comfortable with.
Unless your man doesn’t have a pulse, the stage should be set for intercourse. But just because it’s time for that part doesn’t mean you should relinquish your control. To give him the best orgasm you can, don’t let him take charge of the rhythm. Instead, work his penis as you would a vibrator or dildo, dictating angles and gyrations. You can say to him, “don’t worry, you’ll come, but not until I come first.”
When you get him to the moment before orgasmic inevitability, then bring him back to the plateau, over and over again, until you’re fully satisfied. If your man isn’t in a place to tell you that he’s about to hit the point of no return, you can recognize it when his body reaches a point of maximum tension. This is the signal to hit the brakes and ease him away from the edge of ecstasy.
When you’ve had enough, and it’s time for him to climax, you can step on the gas and speed everything up. What’s crucial is to continue stimulation during the orgasm and to keep your emotional connection entwined down to the last drop.
In Review: He Comes Next Book Summary
The key message in this book:
For a lot of men, their sexual organ is a source of both pleasure and stress, so they instinctively protect what’s below the belt, physically and psychologically. This stress and layers of protection can lead men into a lifetime of below average or barely satisfactory sex. To reach full sexual potential, men need help in freeing themselves from being too focused on their penises so they can experience full body orgasms and reach new heights of ecstasy.
Actionable advice:
To share your fantasies and avoid possible judgment, apply the “I Had a Dream” method.
Sometimes we may keep our fantasies to ourselves from fear of being ridiculed or judged. But this method enables you to package your fantasy like a wild dream you had. Since you’re simply recounting a dream you had no control over, it allows you to give voice and plant the seeds of your fantasy without concern.
