He’s Just Not That Into You Summary and Review

by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Has Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s book He’s Just Not That Into You caught your attention? Pick up the main ideas with this quick summary. You might say thatHe is just a little shy.” “It’s not his fault he’s a reserved guy.” “He’s just very busy right now.” Have you ever realized you are defending a man who isn’t giving you the attention or love you need? The truth that might seem a little harsh, but here it is: he’s just not that into you! By reading this book summary you will discover more about mixed messages and how they don’t exist in the dating world. You are better off detaching yourself from guys who cannot fully commit to a relationship. You’ll come to learn the warning signs that show if someone you’re dating is not really interested. In this book summary of He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, you’ll learn:
  • which word can cause mass destruction in a relationship;
  • how to deal with the mystery of the disappearing man; and also
  • what to think about those unbelievable happily-ever-after love stories.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #1: He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out or even calling you. 

Men still hold the great majority of the top positions in businesses and companies. They obviously know how to handle an office full of employees, so why do most women still trick themselves into believing that these men are simply unable to pick up the phone and ask them out? Many women choose to believe excuses such as “Oh, he’s just a shy person,” even if deep inside they know it’s not the reality. Another classic excuse women seem eager to accept is that he’s too scared of ruining the wonderful friendship the two of them share. In the end, men have no problem getting what they want. If he is really into you it will show, because he will make an effort and actively pursue you in an attempt to win you over. A man who is attracted to a woman won’t be able to resist trying to make it happen. Whether he sees her just as a hookup or as a future girlfriend, ruining a friendship won’t be an issue. When a guy says that he’s “afraid” of jeopardizing a friendship, he’s really saying that he’s just not that into you. To support these claims, the authors polled 20 of their male friends between the ages of 26 and 45 who were in committed, long-term relationships. The results showed that none of these relationships began with the women asking them out. Actually, one of them said that if his girlfriend would have done so, it would have ruined the fun for him. Another excuse women use for a guy who never called is by saying that he’s just very busy. Although they manage to convince themselves this is true, in reality, no man is too busy to pursue what he wants.  In relationships, the word “busy” becomes a weapon of mass destruction. Even if it seems like a reasonable excuse, only men who can’t be bothered to call use it.  The results of the same poll indicated that 100 percent of the men surveyed were never too busy to call the women they had a genuine interest in. 

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #2: He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to have sex with you or be your boyfriend. 

The start of a relationship is often very confusing. After a guy and a girl have been going out for some time, the same question pops up: “Are we girlfriend and boyfriend?” In many cases, when a guy is starting to see a girl regularly and spending time with her, or having sex frequently, she will end up believing that they are moving into boyfriend/girlfriend territory.  Even after the guy has explicitly stated that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, some women will still believe this.  The reason he’s not interested in becoming your boyfriend is not that he has so-called “intimacy issues” that he will overcome one day; if he doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend, the truth is he’s just not that into you.  After all, if a man is into a woman, he will want her just for himself. The only way to win her over and make sure that happens is by asking her to be his girlfriend.  According to the poll conducted by the authors, 100 percent of the men questioned said that they were never held back by fear of intimacy from starting a new relationship with a woman they were really into. In fact, one man ridiculed this so-called fear of intimacy as being nothing more than an urban myth. Another participant said that it’s something men tell women when they are sure they’re not into them.  In the early stages of a relationship, another sign of disinterest you should keep an eye out for is when a guy who is not interested in having sex with you. Every man in the poll said that they never had any real interest in a woman they didn’t want to sleep with. Keep this in mind: if he lacks any sexual interest, it means that he’s just not that into you. 

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #3: He's just not that into you if he is married to someone else or if he cheats. 

When men cheat, they often use a multitude of excuses: I have a higher sex drive than you have, you gained weight, I’m just not attracted to you like that anymore. Most of these women take their excuses to heart, declare them free from guilt and take the blame instead – even if this is not the way they should respond at all! If a man has sex with another woman, the truth is he’s just not that into you. Moreover, he’s showing a lack of respect.  When you are in a long-term relationship, it’s hard to maintain the same level of sexual attraction as in the beginning. It can also happen that one partner has a higher sex drive. The best approach to handling these obstacles is by having an honest conversation with your partner and respectfully address these issues.  Unfortunately, many men don’t choose a very respectful way of dealing with these obstacles. Many end up humiliating and betraying their partners by being unfaithful to them. To make things worse, somehow they make it seem like it’s actually their partner’s fault  – all this at a moment when she is most vulnerable.  If a guy ever treats you like this, acknowledge that this type of behavior does not belong to a man who respects and appreciates you. Save yourself the sorrow by ending the relationship and finding someone who treats you better.  In the reverse situation, women who are dating married men also find excuses for their behavior. The reality is that a relationship built on trust and good intentions cannot be kept a secret.  To string her along, a married man might tell a woman that he is not ready to end the marriage yet because he doesn't want to put his children through the ordeal of a divorce. Obviously, it’s useless to have any hope that this marriage will end. What you should be doing instead is looking for someone that you can openly be with; find an emotionally available man, rather than a conflicted one stuck in a marriage. 

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #4: He's just not that into you if he ends your relationship. 

After a guy breaks up with you, you may hope that he will give you a call just to say how much he misses you. Fixating too much on this idea can lead you to convince yourself that your ex still has an interest, even if that’s not true.  If he does contact you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to hang up and move on. The harsh reality is that if a man ended your relationship, he’s not really into you. Even if he does text, email or call.  Maybe there is still a part of you that hopes to stay in touch, so he will eventually remember how great you are and will want the relationship back on track  – although this rarely happens.  In most cases, a guy keeping in touch with his ex-girlfriend just can’t handle being alone very well and is using her to make the transition to being single easier. He might even say that he misses you, but if he was still into you, he would do his best to win you back.  All of the men who participated in the poll said that if they broke up with someone, it meant that they certainly didn’t want to be in a relationship with them anymore. But what about situations when the guy doesn’t officially break up with you, and instead he just disappears? When a man pulls a Houdini on you, it’s a clear indicator of his lack of interest, and, you realized it: you need to move on right away.   One of the reasons women try to contact guys who have suddenly disappeared is because they want to know the reason why that happened. By ghosting you, he’s already said enough: he’s just not interested in a relationship anymore. If you try to contact him, the only thing you will achieve is making his silence louder.  Don’t waste another second of your time with someone who doesn’t even have the decency to break up with you in a considerate manner. 

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #5: He's just not that into you is he's postponing marriage. 

“Money is an issue at the moment” or “He’s not ready yet” are two of the most common excuses women make for partners who show no interest in getting hitched.  To get out of it, a man may even say that he has “issues” concerning marriage as an institution.  Whichever explanation he uses, or whatever excuse you make up for him, when a guy who is in a long-term relationship says he’s not ready to tie the knot, what he’s actually saying is that he isn’t certain he wants to marry you.  All of the men that the authors polled said that they wouldn't have any problem marrying a woman they were certain she was “the one” for them. One participant even stated that he can’t even imagine a man who would be so stupid to have an issue getting marrying to the love of his life. With that in mind, finding the love of his life is a game-changer for a man. It’s highly unlikely that he will want to risk it by saying to this woman that the idea of being legally married to her for the rest of their lives is very off-putting. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you want to get married, but your partner finds the idea unappealing; feeling this way doesn’t make you unliberated or needy. It’s perfectly normal to ask your long-term partner if he can imagine himself being married in general or to you. Many men out there do want to get married and start a family one day – if they wouldn’t, all the florists, taffeta crafters, and wedding planners would be out of business! Another problem that you might be thinking about while waiting for your partner to propose marriage is that your biological clock is running out of time. In this situation, you have two choices: either sit and wait that one day you will become your boyfriend’s spouse, or get out of the relationship and find someone who wants to share his life with you. 

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU CHAPTER #6: Don't forget to value your freedom after a bad experience and don't believe silly happily-ever-after stories.

After you’ve found the courage to leave a man who’s just not that into you, you’ve had more time for yourself. Maybe you’ve decided to make yourself feel better with some chocolate or a hot bubble bath, which is great.  Nevertheless, during this period, some women tend to put a lot of energy into activities and thoughts that are a waste of time. Many women end up binging on unhealthy, unrealistic happily-ever-after stories. It’s probably nothing you haven’t heard of before – the story when the guy sleeps with a woman and never calls, so she waits for weeks on end for a sign. Eventually, he reaches out to her and all of a sudden they are together and madly in love. Another story is about the guy who treated her hideously at the beginning of the relationship, but now they have two children and are happily married.  These stories are nothing more than a waste of time, as they keep you stuck and unable to heal. Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule. If you’re being perfectly honest to yourself, probably these exceptions don’t apply to the situation you’re in.   In fact, they just cause unrealistic expectations that you could still have a chance for a bright future with a guy who just isn’t that into you.  So, next time some good friend tries to make you feel better about yourself with a tale about a woman who was being treated horrendously by the man she was seeing, but then all of the sudden things miraculously worked out, quickly cover your ears and sing “la-la-la-la!”! Another thing to consider after ending things with a guy who was not that into you is how great and liberating it feels to be out of such a negative relationship.  Constantly making excuses for someone and trying to figure him out takes a colossal amount of emotional energy. When you no longer have to waste time obsessing over him and how to make the relationship work, you can engage in more positive activities, like meeting up with friends or going to yoga classes.  Just think about how exceptionally empowering it will be to possess such mental strength that you can say “He wasn’t really that into me, but I’m ok with it.” It doesn't mean that you can’t flourish when you’re single or find someone right for you in the future only because one guy wasn’t that interested in you.


The key ideas in this book: When it comes to romantic relationships and men, there shouldn’t be any mixed messages. If he is really into you, he’ll let you know by calling when he says, scheduling your next date and be willing to fully commit to the relationship. If his behavior is quite the opposite, then he’s just not very interested in you. Many women try to find excuses for men who are acting disrespectfully. The most empowering move you can make is to stop wasting your time and get out of the relationship.  Advice to consider: Take a step back and look at your romantic relationship from the perspective of another person:  If you have reasons to believe this man you’re seeing is not good for you, record yourself telling the story of how you first met and how your relationship has been since. Listen to the tape and try to imagine that a good friend of yours is actually telling the story. What would you say to her? Would you tell her she can do better? If you would want something better for your friend, ask yourself why wouldn’t you want that sort of happiness for yourself.